April 10, 2005 - Crap.

This past weekend has been hell for me.

Tina and I are having very civil discourse regarding our relationship. It seems that she is no longer "in love" with me, though she still loves me.

When she said that the first time on Friday morning, I thought that I'd misheard. I mean, really, it isn't possible, is it?

Apparently, it is.

At this point, neither of us knows what we're doing. Are we dating? Are we friends? Gods, I don't know.

Part of the issue, of course, is this whole clergy thing. I mean, she has issues dating clergy. I'm not clergy now, but when we talked about it earlier, she said something very telling, something I've heard before.

"I've known you were on that path since before you knew."

She said that on Saturday, and I didn't know what to say. I think that some part of me had always regarded such statements as words of flattery, empty and just said to make me feel better. But there was no flattery here. Just simple, straight-forward knowledge of where I'd been and where I was headed.

And I could tell that my direction hurt her.

So today I write that we all make sacrifices for our callings.

I'm afraid that my sacrifice will be the love of a woman I thought I would be with forever.

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