March 14, 2005 - A comment posted, showing much about myself.

I posted this for a friend who was having issues with certain things. Because I've had issues with the same things, I wanted to help her. So I wrote this for her, and posted it for her in her LJ. This is just an excerpt:

I'm a basket case of "depression, stress, anxiety, worry, pain, and suffering" sometimes. I feel like I need to smack myself. Like I need to go pound my head into a wall. Like I need to just stop feeling exactly like I do.

And then I realise that the reason I'm feeling this way is because I'm letting myself. I'm feeling this way because I'm unsure of the next step, unsure what the next choice will bring as a result. I'm feeling this way because I'm freaking scared. I'm feeling this way because that's how it works in my world. But it's back to the first thing: I'm feeling this way because I'm letting myself.

You know, I realise this. I can stare at the problem, see the solution, and know exactly what I have to do: I have to get up there and do the ritual; I have to go up to that girl, smile, and make smalltalk; I have to give my presentation; I have to just come out and ask for what I want. When I do those things, everything just dissipates. All those feelings disappear.

Yeah, I know it. I can see it. There's almost a vision to it.

But I can't do it. I just can't. That's what I think. There's no way. It's too hard. It's embarrassing. It's dangerous. I'll screw up.

No matter what my vision is, I cannot manifest the outcome.

And this is where the second portion comes in. I've learned from experience that there's nothing that stops me. Nothing outside of myself. Nothing that keeps me from doing this.

Only me.

And so I do it.

I clear my mind, I do it, and suddenly:

Shit. I just did it.

I've learned to take each event exactly like this. I'm dead scared of the phone. I hate to call people. I'm physically sick when I have to dance or sing or tell stories or do a ritual. I've learned that I need to ignore those feelings. To step outside myself. To open up to the world, to the beauty of the day, and to just say, "Godsdamnit! I don't care!"

And when I find the voice to say that, I'm free. Beautifully, ecstatically, wonderfully free. It's an amazing feeling.

Your man seems like he's a decent chap. Talk to him. Tell him exactly what the problem is. Ask if he's willing to work on it with you. Tell him you need space, time.

Sometimes we make decisions we hate.

Those who care about us will let us re-evaluate them, though.

Don't think in the long term. Think of it as today. Today is today as today comes.

Besides, how am I possibly going to get good dirt on a boyfriend if there isn't one for my friend to spy on while he's down there? Think of your friends. :)

You're a strong person. I know. I've seen it. You just need to find the mirror that will show you that.

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