November 12, 2004 - Women, and my ritual skills

I once asked Tina to come to a ritual that I wasn't leading. It was one of 6th Night's rites, early on in my involvement in ADF. Her direct response was:

"I'd like to, sometime."

Things came up, and she was unable to attend. I've mentioned it sometimes, and she's said, "Sure, I'd like to come," but she's never been able to. Sundays are generally bad days for her, and that's when all our rituals are. Heck, last Sunday, for instance, she was out of town.

As far as her not going to a ritual that I'm leading? I don't think I'd want any close friend's first experience with ADF ritual to be with me. I'd rather it be with someone else leading. Simply put, I don't believe that I'm the best person to lead a ritual she (or my other close friends) are involved in for the first time.

I'm okay as a ritual leader, but I'm not great. I'm poorly organized. I'm slow to memorize. I have a Patron who often butts into ritual and makes things go Her way, and I laugh. I can't sing. Often, I feel that our rituals lack something, and I'm at fault.

If you don't understand ritual, if you don't get religion, and if you know you're supposed to feel something grand but don't, the reaction is very strange. There are feelings that you can't access, things you can't see. It's a bunch of people standing in a circle singing out of tune and making prayers to people and things that don't exist. Despite that, you feel like you should feel something, and when the feeling is lacking, you become angry. How many Pagans hate Catholic ritual because they didn't understand it? I hear it all the time. If you don't believe me, watch the video of a Wiccan ritual sometime on TV. No matter what it feels like to the participants, it looks like a bunch of hippies dancing around in circles looking stupid.

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