October 28, 2004 - Wondering . . .

I caught myself this morning. It seems I was in an ego-fit (it happens sometimes), and I started to wonder if I'm going overboard on the religion: whether I hit it too hard sometimes, whether I appear over the top to others, and (worst of all) whether I do this for the right reasons.

I mean, really, I talk about doing these daily rites, which are done about twice per day, once in the morning and once at night. Ideally, and when I'm doing them, I'm not trying to do them just to say I can do them. I'm doing them with the intent of both honouring the deities and improving myself. 

It is not from this intent that my questions spring, though: it's from the fact that I then talk about it, sometimes from the standpoint of "Well, this is what I do, and what I find right".

Sometimes I feel like I'm harping on this, that I'm suggesting that doing twice-daily rituals will be right for everyone. Other times, I feel like I'm suggesting that a person isn't a "True Pagan(TM)" if they don't do what I do. And today, I scared myself thinking about what the perception of my own devotion can do for me politically in ADF.

Just today, I posted a message on ADF-Solitaries that said this:

>Does anyone one have a source to or have created
>8 solitary rituals for The High Days?

It's a project I'm working on (I'm not solitary, but I really feel like I need more religious practice in my life, and the High Days seem like a natural place to start). I'll definitely let you know when I manage it.

You know what, though? That parenthetical statement, when I re-read it, sounded like I was saying that two rituals a day isn't enough for me, that I need more.

I thought about why I felt the need to say that. Did I feel like it would impress people, or was it the truth? Yesterday I jokingly suggested I should run for Archdruid in a few years, and re-reading that little fit of amusement I started to question whether all this stuff was just hubris, whether I should really take a time out and back off.

When my seriousness in religion was questioned a few weeks ago, I thought about why it was brought up to me privately, rather than on a public list. The answer I came up with? I'm just too popular on the email lists to be questioned. For a little bit, I thought that was pretty cool, but then I started thinking about the implications of it.

Are there people who disagree with me, but are afraid to state it because they don't want to tick me off, or they're afraid I'll pull support from elsewhere? I don't want that, and I wouldn't do it. I love to be called on stuff when I'm wrong. Not only do I learn a lot more, but, dammit, I can take it and I can take it well!

Here's a worse thought: did I come to the conclusion that I'm popular on the lists based on empirical evidence, or on the hope or egotism that would bring it up? I just don't know.

Hell, even this entry is making me wonder if I'm not trying to play up the aspect of really being humble and honest for potential future gain. *shakes head* You know, if there are things I can't stand, they're false humility and dishonesty. I'm wondering just how hypocrytical I'm being.

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