August 12, 2004 - Why do I want what I want?

Back to training:

Why do I want the training that the Clergy Council will provide? How will it benefit me, and (if there is a call) how will it answer? Finally, is there even a calling?

I suspect that I will be coming back to these questions time and again.

Let's take them in backwards order. I'm currently reading a couple of books from the Christian section of Barnes and Noble, trying to get a handle on what exactly the call is. I'm reading:

Guinness, Os. The Call: Finding and Fulfilling the Central Purpose of Your Life. W Publishing Group: Nashville, TN. 2003.

Guinness, Os. Long Journey Home: A Guide to Your Search for the Meaning of Life. WaterBrook Press: Colorado Springs, CO. 2001.

The following book is to help me get a handle on ethics before the Gods:

Hybels, Bill. Who You Are When No One's Looking: Choosing Consistency, Resisting Compromise. InterVarsity Press: Downers Grove, IL. 1987.

Anyway, I'm hoping that I will eventually be able to figure out if the calling is there. Or maybe what a calling feels like. Or something. Finding a calling is much harder than you might think, especially when you have no idea what a calling is.

Shockingly, I've spent a lot of time studying religion, and I have never come across this particular issue in my whole life. I'm completely lost when it comes to figuring out what a "calling" is and how one responds to it. It is, honestly, somewhat embarrassing.

I used to say with some rather firm conviction, "If I were Catholic, I'd be in Seminary right now."

This statement makes me wonder: Is there something I was accessing that I no longer can? What causes me to now have questions? Finally, what did I feel, anyway?

I don't know.

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