July 02, 2005 - How things happened

I realized what happened at Desert Magic. I wasn't feeling like sleeping, actually. I was hoping to get away from people. That's why I sought the safety of my bed.

It's true that Tina had let me know we were having trouble at that point. The soul-crushing idea that I wouldn't have a girlfriend shortly unless I changed something took away something from me, even though it didn't take anything away from anyone else.

To everyone else, I was a guy who had a girlfriend. I was safe.

To myself, I was losing a girlfriend. It was a short step from that to being single. And so I pulled back. At festivals, sometimes I get a lot of attention. I didn't want that. I was tired, true, but that wasn't why I slipped off to bed as often as possible. My bed was safe. It was away.

When I got back to my room on Friday night with Erien, I wasn't worried about getting away from her. I welcomed the chance to talk to her. It helped, even if I couldn't tell her, to know that someone was going through something I knew I would have to go through. She was with me because I was safe, and that helped me play out the fantasy of my previous reality: one in which I was still the safe guy with a girlfriend. And for that festival, I was that person. I was safe because that's who I was supposed to be for her. I couldn't be anything else.

At Wellspring, the tables were suddenly turned. I no longer had a girlfriend, but the attention I get at festivals didn't die down at all. I hid for nearly the whole festival in my tent, relying on Erien to keep me safe. When I received too much attention from anyone, I pulled in. Though I'm a bit ashamed to say it, the shyness that rarely shows through found an outlet under the onslaught of a few people. . . The same people that I've been keeping the secret of my singleness from. Erien knew that I needed the same thing I gave her, and we found a lot of refuge in each other.

We both found someone safe for the festivals. I'm worried how Summerland will be without her to hide with, but I know that if I need someone safe, I there are a few people who will be there for me.

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