April 16, 2005 - Take 2. . .

Sort of continuing yesterday's thought, I've had a small epiphany.

I see time spent with Tina as a luxury of the self. Let me explain that.

Spending time and being with Tina is something that makes me feel good. No, that's not enough; it makes me fly. I love to be with her.

But at the same time, the reasons I'm with her seem to be good for me. I derive an amazing amount of pleasure just from seeing her smile. It lights up my life.

I haven't felt that I've done the same for her in a long time. Because I don't really feel like she needs me, I've come to an understanding (a worldview, if you will) where she is a bright spot in my life, but I'm just another figure in hers.

So eventually, I decided that if I wasn't around so much, I was only hurting myself, really. That was something I could deal with.

I have the idea, I think, that to do something good, you have to give up something good. Spending time with my Grove, PSA, and ADF all felt like important, good things to me, and I didn't see that the reduced time with Tina was also affecting her. I honestly thought that what I was giving up was something only important to me.

Again, in my worldview, I needed her, but I never felt she needed me.

And apparently, I was wrong.

We need each other.

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