March 30, 2005 - Stage Fright!

I was thinking about this stage fright. It's like turning around constantly.

"At times I feel lost and daydreaming. . ."

I mean, it's freakin' hard to do this stuff. I have the shakes and feel violently ill before rites, as if I need to vomit or curl up or simply die.

It's like being a propeller, spinning out of control. I'm spinning in circles, not getting anywhere. Someone's up on the throttle and won't let it go, so I'm stuck here on zero, just wanting to go somewhere. . . anywhere.

But somehow, every time I know that I'm the one on the throttle. I'm holding myself back. I'm the one who prevents me from reaching "one" on that gauge.

When I let myself go, I fly.

It's like the feelings I had never existed. They're gone, leaving no trace. I'm cool and confident and excited. I'm smiling and serious. My heart sings.

But it's the same way before every ritual. Every presentation. Every phone call. Every new meeting. Every new adventure.

Sometimes I don't win. Sometimes I give in to the sickness, the pain, and the fear. And I hate that.

This thing is dangerous. I'm not able to tell when I'm really sick sometimes. I'm afraid that one time, when I try to push through it, it'll push back.

I wonder, though, if "fear" is at all the right word. I know what it is, and how to beat it, really, and when I experience it, it doesn't feel like fear does. It's fundamentally different.

I mean, it's more like knowing. Like when you know something is going to happen, and you accept it. It's part of the game. There's no reason to fear something that will happen; it's like trying to reason with hurricane season. It does no good.

Yes, that's how I see this, I think.

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