A Conversation with Eris, part V:

Eris: Can I have one?

PCtG: Wha. . .? Oh, it's You. One what?

Eris: One of those things you're eating.

PCtG: A graham cracker?

Eris: Yes, if that's what they call them nowadays.

PCtG: What do you mean, "nowadays?"

Eris: You know, after beforeadays.

PCtG: Oh, I see. What did they call them beforeadays?

Eris: Bread. What else? It's not like we had cakes and cookies and crackers, you know.

PCtG: Oh, I guess that's true.

Eris: Besides, they were full of pepper. Hey, do these have pepper?

PCtG: No. That is, simply put, disgusting.

Eris: Hey, pepper's a valuable commodity! They used to put it in everything in the glory days of Rome. In fact, I once had peppered sugar.

PCtG: Now you're just poking fun at me.

Eris: Maybe a bit. Can I have one?

PCtG: Getting tired of the golden delicious apples?

Eris: You know me, I like a bit of spice.

PCtG: I'll get you your very own pepper mill, then. Will that suit you?

Eris: Ooh. You do know how to please a lady!

PCtG: No, I don't. I know how to make them shut up.

Eris: Same thing.

PCtG: I'll keep that in mind. What'd you show up for?

Eris: Oh, nothing much. Wanted to stop in and say, "Hi."

PCtG: And read over my shoulder?

Eris: Oh! I'm terribly offended at that! How could you think I would sink so low?

PCtG: Hello, Eris. Meet your devotee. Pope Cockroach the Green. You know, the one who talks to you when you come to call? The one who barely put up a fight? The one who is pretty much a pansy-ass when it comes to fighting off your advances?

Eris: Oh, him. Yes, I remember Greeny. Kinda boring and plain-looking, isn't he? I hear he has a huge ego. Wonder if he's compensating for something. . .

PCtG: Believe what you will, Babe.

Eris: Haha. I suppose you might have some idea just what I'm after. So show me the document already!

PCtG: Well, okay. Here you go.

Eris: Hmm. . .

PCtG: Whaddaya think?

Eris: Shh. . . Still reading. . . Okay. Well, you got this part all wrong.

PCtG: "The Judgment of Paris?" How could I possibly get it all wrong? I pulled it straight from the Principia!

Eris: Greeny, Greeny, Greeny. Did you learn nothing? Go read the Cypria. Did you know I'm not even in the Illiad?

PCtG: I thought someone important was missing. . .

Eris: Thank you! Well, served that rat right when I blinded him for "forgetting" me.

PCtG: Wait, you blinded Homer?

Eris: Sure did. I mean, really. He's singing this lovely song about my war, about my family, about my beautiful, wonderful creation, and who does he never mention? ME! Sure he can talk about mortals and even my brother, but he never talks about me!

PCtG: So you took his eyes?

Eris: No! Greeny, do you really think I could do that? I love my humans! They make great toys. By taking away his sight, though, I helped him to see things my way.

PCtG: Remind me never to forget you.

Eris: Never forget me. Oh, you might add a bit about that into your little essay here. You know, just to make sure everyone knows.

PCtG: Of course. . . How's that?

Eris: Superb.

PCtG: You know I need to talk to Tina soon. I'm asking you first though. You know, about that little issue that's come up every now and again. . .

Eris: Oh, the Secret?

PCtG: Yes, that.

Eris: You know, it's killing me not to tell anyone! I hope you realize just how hard this is, Greeny. I wouldn't do it for just anybody!

PCtG: I know, and I appreciate it. I want to ask Tina about it first. Get her opinion.

Eris: As well you should. You probably should have asked her before you asked me.

PCtG: Well, I'm asking Esus about it before I ask her, too.

Eris: I thought you would. You're always asking him things. Why can't you just come be mine?

PCtG: Would I be nearly as much fun if I were all yours?

Eris: No, I suppose not. Anyway, what's the problem with the Secret, Greeny?

PCtG: I'm worried about her reaction. I mean, we've talked about it before, and she's never had a good reaction to the whole idea.

Eris: No, she hasn't. Didn't she once say she'd leave?

PCtG: Yeah, but I'm hoping that was either a joke or an insincerity.

Eris: For your sake, I hope the same. What do you think she's going to do?

PCtG: Well, I hope . . .

Eris: No, what do you think, Greeny?

PCtG: I don't know. She's either going to go one way, or completely the other. Either she says yes, or she gives me a flat out no. Either answer is going to be problematic, though.

Eris: Why's that?

PCtG: If she says "no," I'll probably still do it and she might leave me. If she says "yes," I'll wonder if she meant it, and it might cause trouble down the line.

Eris: So you're damned if you do, and damned if you don't, huh?

PCtG: Pretty much.

Eris: If she leaves you, what happens to you?

PCtG: I don't know. "Shrivel up and die" sounds like a pretty logical choice/step.

Eris: Maybe you shouldn't do it at all?

PCtG: No, I don't think that would solve anything. I'd still be drawn to it. I'd still demand it of myself. I would still want it.

Eris: So, in other words, you're the problem?

PCtG: Yes. I am.

Eris: And you don't think that you can change this portion of your reality tunnel?

PCtG: No, I don't.

Eris: Then, Greeny, I have but one thing to say to you.

PCtG: What's that, gorgeous?

Eris: Good luck.

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